People seem to think that I'm an angry all the time; I'm called Dee-Rama or Agro. Truth is, I'm scared that people who hate or strongly dislike me will channel their negative thoughts onto other people who know nothing about me. In the end no matter what I say or do, people will always think that I am some agro ogre. Perhaps it is my fault for being so guarded; people dislike and fear what they don't understand. The more people assume about me, the more guarded I become. To be honest I think that when people assume anything whether it's positive or negative, I dislike it (It's a peeve, what can you do?).

Why am I bothering to please people you may ask? Truth is that I don't want the headache, but should I really bother if I'm hurting myself? I used to think that disappearing from the scene was the better option, but it's not and it would solve anything as problems and assumptions tend to follow you wherever you go. Best thing to do is ignore the negative and focus on the positive, remember Dee nobody can hurt you if you don't let them.

It's said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In my life I have been thrown a lot of negativity but on the flip side there has also been positivity sent my way, so I guess in that respect I shouldn't feel too bad right? Hi. My name is Reina. Reina is an alias name that I tend to use here and there.

I never thought that I would be writing a blog about myself, however, there's a first time for everything and I guess it's better to write here than on Facebook, Twitter or MySpace. A lot of people wonder what goes on inside my mind, where others simply don't care. I suppose when it comes to who I am and what I do, people tend to judge my motives. The honest truth is that when I do something for someone, there is no motive behind it; I enjoy doing nice things for the people I care about. I suppose over the last 10 years my persona has become a lot more defensive, I used to hang around a group of people that I considered my second family. They were there for me, cried when I cried, laughed when I laughed and I would do anything for them. When I went to university and branched out, it was something that they couldn't get to grips with because it meant that the things I would do for them would stop. Now I guess in hindsight you would say "If they can't accept it then drop them", but when you're in that position it's a lot easier said than done. They hated the fact I wanted to better myself and even made a comment about me not spending money on them anymore. HAHA. Wow, looking back on it now I was a complete bloody idiot for feeling sad about this. But I suppose when you're young and with people you think are your friends it tends to become hard to cast them aside. I should have known it was going to go wrong when I introduced a new friend to the group. They didn't respond very well, but being naive I decided that they'd come around to it.

I remember being invited to a christening and was told that I could bring my work colleague with me, however, my best friend in the group wasn't in the 'Friend Sharing' mood and started to kick her car. I think it was at that moment when I realised that I had to branch out and be away from this so called second family of mine. I never understood why I wanted to be around them soooo badly back then. Maybe it was to be accepted by people I thought were popular back in college or maybe it was so that I can figure out what kind of person I didn't want to become. Looking back on it now, I'm happy that I met them because it helped mould who I am today.

When I think about things like that, I'd much prefer to be my own person and make my own choices rather than sitting amongst a group and being in the background. Everyone wants to be accepted by their families, peers and even their partners, but one thing I've found is that if people can't accept who you are or what you're about, then the question you need to ask is: Are they people you want in your life?  As the years have gone on, I built up this strong persona and it was one that I was proud of. I helped and advised people on so many different things, I even helped people get into relationships which has led to marriage (You know who you are ;D). I guess when it comes to making people smile and making them feel good about themselves; I loved the feeling I got from that. However, as time progressed I didn't, in fact I neglected myself and became miserable, moody and more defensive about myself. I was in a relationship that I thought was going to last forever, I knew that he loved me and I loved him, however, the issue was that we had no space and my attention slowly crept away from him and moved to other people. In turn, I began to get insecure and even began to dislike myself.

I was envious of my female friends whenever my male friends would meet them and then ask me things like "Aww your friend is real nice ya kna what's her story?" I mean honestly, I'm a woman too and that's not something you should be talking to me about. Eventually, my relationship went south and I was hurt in a way that made me think that I have a problem with the way I look. I felt weak and worthless, when I think about it now it still hurts me and when you're hurting, you naturally go to what you think is comforting. For me it was food and I got bigger because in my mind if I was fat and unattractive, no one would hurt me again. After a year, someone else took an interest in me and considering I was how I was, I was surprised that he liked me in that way. So it was back to being loved and cared about which felt great.

Putting this aside for a moment, I began to help out people again. It was to a point where I would go above and beyond for those that needed my help. I had done this inside and outside of work. It almost felt as though the two had merged in a way. Now I'm not claiming to be a good Samaritan or even say that I'm an angel because I have my faults, however, I do feel that I am a good enough person to be recognised for it. More often than not I think I like helping others to become happier because it takes away from the fact that I wasn't happy with anything. I had a guy who genuinely loved me and even though I thought he was envious of my male friends we tried to make it work. A lot happened in that relationship that I'd rather save for a different day, but the short version is that he stopped loving me despite how much I loved him and now we no longer speak. I think that when you've been emotionally scarred a couple of times, your mindset goes to auto pilot and the only thing you feel you need is your own company. Unfortunately, this never goes the way you plan. But then something suddenly happens and your heart grows a backbone again.

Now before I go into this, you guys should know that I'm a person that wears her heart on her sleeve. This means that my emotions are always visible and when I'm hurt, angry or even in love it really shows. I have trouble controlling my emotions and that usually leads to people thinking I'm weird in the head or that they'd rather be friends with me from a safe distance. Now back to this. I met a guy; not just any guy mined you, he was a person that in my eyes was my perfect half. I know that not everyone is perfect, but to me he was the first person I'd met in a long time that made me feel as though I was more than what the eyes can see. But there were several issues there that caused us to drift apart, so once again my heart was broken and my mindset became lower than it's ever been. In some ways, I felt as though I pushed him away because I was so happy to think of someone in that way again and I guess the defence mechanism kicked in automatically. I then began to think horribly about myself and thought that I had mental problems because anyone that got too close was a threat in the back of my mind.

My main issue is that I'm always trapped in this 'Friend' zone with people I have strong feelings for and because I am not considered as 'Attractive' to most, it causes me to be in a complete slump. Now before you say it, no I am not depressed or taking meds for the low points I have in my life. I'm just a person who is considered the 'Mother' or 'Best Friend' of any group I'm a part of. Do not get me wrong, I am happy that I am who I am and know that I have lessons to learn in order to level up. But sometimes when so much is thrown your way, there is only so much you can counter.

With me, what you see is what you get. When I love someone, I never want to let them go and give them everything I have to make them happy. But when someone hurts me with words or actions, I become a helpless child in need of someone to just hold me and tell me that it's ok.

I think that's all from me, I'll be back next week so watch this space.